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FatPappy
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Posted: Aug 18th, 2006 08:49 pm |
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| Well, Blessings, you got some good teachers here. It brings a tear to Pappy's eye to see how y'all been he'pin' her with her cultural larnin'.
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How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four; calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
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FatPappy
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Posted: Aug 18th, 2006 08:58 pm |
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| Aw'ight, Lacka. Whar's that yarn?
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How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four; calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
--Abraham Lincoln
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Lacka
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Posted: Aug 18th, 2006 09:10 pm |
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Weeelll its been a while. I have missed you guys but I have been on the veranda and well to just tell you the truth I had one too many mint julips....but I am baack......
Stories of some of my Yankee friends
So I am at the ballgame the other night and this mom from the other team comes over to sit with us. (you will see in a minute that she was from the North) She says “Oh my goodness, you will not believe what they are selling at the concession stand”. With a tilted head and raised eyebrows we looked at her waiting (I know you just tried that tilted head raised eyebrow thing, I just love that I can make you do that) We all look at her waiting thinking she was going to say they were selling something like tires, spray paint, or fishing lures. She said “they are selling pickles out of a jar. Her eyes were wide open......We are still waiting (head tilted) thinking that she has something else to tell us. She goes on to say that they are all in this big jar and you just get one out and put it in a piece of paper and eat it. She had never seen this. I started telling her about the pickled eggs and almost went as far as the pickled pigs feet, but I didn’t think she could handle it. So I just sat there quietly and thought to myself {bless her heart}
It made me start thinking of past stories with friends who have moved here from the North. Bless their hearts....
I have this one friend, we will just call her Suzanne because, well, that is her real name. When she first moved here from Jersey she called home several days later to report to her friends on the size of rats we have here. Later she learned that those animals on the side of the road are actually ground hogs, beavers or opossums. They are not rats.
Suzanne also complained because we do not have tree lawns. If we knew what they were we might have them but we don’t. Actually we don’t want them, it would be way to hard to get the car and the cinder blocks in such a small space. There is no need in the South.
It is true that we sell moonshine here. We know where the stills are and we are not going to tell you, because it is good stuff and we do not want the price to go up. Not telling any secrets here Pappy, just talking about moonshiners in general.
My friend Sue (Not the same as Suzanne) didn’t know for a long time why everyone pulled over when there was a funeral procession coming towards you. Let me just say that in the South we are showing respect for the family. It really has nothing to do with the deceased person cause, well, he is just as dead as he can be and he doesn’t really even know that we are pulling over to the side of the road. So remember when we pull over it is for respect, not so that you can speed up and pass everyone.
My friend Beth once asked why we don’t use directionals here. (spell check didn’t even get that one) WE DON”T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE. If we take a likin we will use a turn signal, but it is not mandatory in the South. If you weren’t driving so fast this would not be a problem.
Suzanne calls it a hassock, it is a foot stool, or ottoman. I thought she was talking about a new fashion that was coming to be or repeating itself, you know like a toe sock or something. Never has the word hassock been spoken in the South.
My dear Mary Ellen, bless her heart (not sure how she got the double name living up North, but she did). Don’t look at us like we are crazy if we do not have YOUR favorite meat in OUR grocery store. And don’t come home with a huge container of Pimento Cheese and act like you have discovered the latest and greatest. We have had Pimento Cheese around for years.
Things that Northerners think are true about the South but they are not: Now don’t get addled we are just trying to teach you a little….and yes addled is a real word in the South.
We do not have a recipe card beside the name tag indicating which animal you are seeing at the zoo.
Not everyone here eats crawdads.
We are fully aware of the humidity. Quit your $%&%* and deal with it.
Things you will never hear us say.
Yooouuzze guuyyz
Alex I will take Shakespeare for 1000
Hand me a napkin for my watermelon
You will never hear us place extra “r” in words that do not need them. ie drawrrerr
It is not Dog, it is Daawg! It is Ok to add extra vowels to any word and a “w” is always welcome.
If you ask someone if they want to “take a tub” they will ask you “take it where?”
We take baths and showers.
You will never hear us say “Wrestling is fake”
Little Debbies have too many fat grams
Will you bait my hook worms are icky
YE HAW I was just transferred to Pittsburg……
Things we like in the South
Cloud gazing
Skipping rocks. How many times can you make one skip?
Hay rides.
Three legged races
Cow tippin’
Picnics
Waving at the driver in a passing car
Okra (it is not a talk show host it is fried)
Family (and no, we don’t pick up dates at the family reunion)
Leg wrestling
Things we know that you don’t and you need to if you plan on staying
“Gimme sugar” doesn’t mean pass the sugar.
We know the difference between a conniption fit and a hissie fit
Don't mess with a Southern Bell's man. Not a nary a one of you will escape. You will never see us coming. We will smile as we break into your house and run your toothbrush through the toilet (OK I really did that to my x) or send out a Christmas card to all of your friends (and customers) that has a picture of you and a big fat Ho Ho Ho (OK I did that too) but there are a lot of other things that we can do for revenge and you better look out. Don’t mess with our men. We do not do well with sharing.
The cows, pigs and chickens in the back yard are not pets. And Grinders are not sandwiches. Grinders relate to the animals that are not pets.
If you are told that something is “cute” the term is used in a condescending way always
If someone says those shoes are so cute, they are saying under their breath, what was she thinking, her poor husband must be afraid of her and doesn’t want to tell her they are just plain tacky. Never take the word cute as a compliment.
Do it the way we do it or go home. We are not asking how you did it up North for a reason. We like the way we live and really don’t need your advice.
Never to go snipe hunting
Didja means Did you
How many collards it takes to equal a mess
That there is good gossip on the phone if you hear someone say “laaaawww” It is really good stuff if they say “laaaaawww meee”
A pop is a father figure. Soda is a cooking or cleaning product. When ordering a drink, we call them by their names. Coke, Pepsi, Sweet Tea, Mint Julip, etc.
What it means to be “fixin” to do something I am fixin to let Blessings become a honorary Suth a na {bless himer’s heart}
Better learn What time of day seevnin is that is when the repair man is coming. “I’ll be there this seevnin”
We know that gravy doesn’t come from the store
We know that honking the horn doesn’t speed anyone up
Got a good notion means statement of intent
Haint--Haunt or ghost
sometimes I refer to Crackah as a haint. It can also mean old hag. Don't tell Crackah, maybe she will not see this part.
If we use the term “bless her heart” it cancels out anything bad that we have to say. An example would be, her thighs are the size of that old oak tree over in Mr. Johnson’s yard, bless her heart. Or, She brought that homemade potato salad to the picnic and nobody ate it, bless her heart. Or he doesn’t know that she has been behind the barn with most of his friends, bless his heart. It is not considered gossip in the South if you use Bless her/his heart, because you sound concerned. Go ahead try it. Think of a little tidbit of gossip
that you wanted to tell today, and and didn’t, add Bless her heart and see if that doesn’t feel much better.
Bless your hearts for trying, I know you did it. You were thinking of that haint at work. Now take a minute to fan yourselves so you don't get the vapors.
A spell is a period of time
Hitch is cramp or lameness (hitch in your gitalong)
We know where yonder is you need to know it too
When a person is riding a tractor they are working, they didn’t get a DWI, be respectful of them and don’t honk your horn. Ride behind them and allow more time to get where you are going tomorrow. They probably have more money than you do..
Purt nigh---nearly, "it's purt nigh time to go"
We know that if a family has a crisis that you take a casserole to their house. If it is really bad you take dessert too. Bless their hearts.
We know how to claim to have the vapors to get out of doing something we do not want to do.
I'll swanee means I swear
If we show you how to vacuum or to do dishes or to wash the windows it is bringing to your attention that our husband is doing it, while we fan ourselves on the veranda. Physical labor is not intended for ladies in the South. EVER.
If you don’t know that it is a good thing to be thrown in the briar patch you don’t belong in the South…..
When we go to the mechanic we say “that little ole battery seems to be givin me a fit, I am bit nervous about driving home” We get it half price and they make their money on you!
If you ask someone if they want to “take a tub” they will ask you “take it where?”
We take baths and showers.
Sunday afternoons are RESERVED for little old ladies and little old men. We have had Sunday drivers in the South for as long as I can remember and this time is reserved for them to drive slow, so stay home if you don’t want to get behind one of them. This is their time. Don’t try to change the way we do things.
Things we teach our children:
Take your hat off when you go inside (unless you are female and you are in church)
Say yes sir and no sir.
Address people with Mrs. or Mr. until given permission otherwise.
Do not decorate underpasses, the sides of buildings, or personal property of any kind.
Pull a chair out for a lady at dinner, stand if one approaches your table, and for heaven’s sake open the door for her.
Always say thank you
Never tell always ask
Wrong: Take me to the store
Right: Will you please take me to the store? A thank you will follow.
Southern gentlemen will always honor a lady
Females are referred to as Ladies always
Good manners do not cost you anything to exercise, but the lack of them may cost you dearly further down the road.
If you settle here and bear children, don’t think they will be considered Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven we wouldn’t call ‘em biscuits.
I hear Miss Sally callin, better run ‘long……If you don't know what that means you need to move back home.........Bless your hearts.
Last edited on Aug 18th, 2006 09:47 pm by Lacka
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The views/opinions in this post are mine.Do not copy,or distribute without my consent.
Copied with Crackah's consent.
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blessingsalways2u
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Posted: Aug 18th, 2006 10:40 pm |
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I feel like I just got a 4 year education in 15 minutes!
Bless your heart for taking the time to write all that, I am blessed. Thank you.
How my character and habits have been changed for the better since moving to the South:
I now DO wave to other drivers passing by, (it is so fun!).
I have slowed my driving speed by 20 mph in the past 4 years.
I am not near as synical as I use to be.
I have learned biscuits can be eaten more often than on Sundays and not only with breakfast, and I quite enjoy this!
I have discovered I love greens!!!
I have discovered grits do not taste good with spaghetti sauce on them, but they do taste good with butter and s&p.
I am not near as afraid of snakes as I thought I would be.
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FatPappy
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Posted: Aug 19th, 2006 12:02 am |
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| Lacka! Hee Hee an' Yee Haw! Pappy's gotta set down fer a spell. I'm plumb outta breath. Now that there was worth waitin' fer!
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How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four; calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
--Abraham Lincoln
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macca
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Posted: Aug 19th, 2006 12:12 am |
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WOO HOO!! ♥♥♥
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A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. Herm Albright
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Steve Adkins
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Posted: Aug 19th, 2006 12:50 am |
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Lacka
Wouldn't the Yankee's let you talk while you were up north?
Seems like you held all that in.......like holding your breath underwater..........and just had to "expunge".
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Steve Adkins
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Posted: Aug 19th, 2006 12:54 am |
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blessingsalways2u wrote: You guys are wicked funny!
I have tried it all guys, the southern language with a Boston accent doesn't quite sound right. Kinda like a rusty nail going through your head!
Blessings;
I am a Yankee married to a Tennessee girl. The first time she told me I "rurn't" a shirt, I wasn't sure if I should be proud, or duck.
Still can't handle grits......like eating sand.
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Lacka
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Posted: Aug 19th, 2006 01:25 am |
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blessingsalways2u wrote:
I have learned biscuits can be eaten more often than on Sundays and not only with breakfast, and I quite enjoy this!
I am not near as afraid of snakes as I thought I would be.
OK they sell them in a bag, but don't tell anyone, my son thinks that they are homemade.....
Be afraid of snakes there is nothing wrong with that in the South. We are all afraid of snakes we just do not want to admit it.
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Cracker Jax
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Posted: Aug 19th, 2006 01:58 am |
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Lacka wrote:
Yes... I'm quotin' Lacka, bless her heart, but don't worry.... I'm not quotin' the whole yarn.  Suzanne also complained because we do not have tree lawns. TREE LAWN? Never heard of it.
My friend Beth once asked why we don’t use directionals here. Never heard of it.
Suzanne calls it a hassock. Never heard of it.
“take a tub” Never heard of it. Leg wrestling And just who IS the UNDEFEATED Leg Wrestling champion Lacka?????  Don't tell Crackah, maybe she will not see this part. SAW IT.  If you don’t know that it is a good thing to be thrown in the briar patch you don’t belong in the South….. I knew this cause I heard it in the same book where I heard this:
I hear Miss Sally callin, better run ‘long…… If you settle here and bear children, don’t think they will be considered Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven we wouldn’t call ‘em biscuits. Ok... that was funny Lacka.
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Cracker Jax
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Posted: Aug 19th, 2006 02:08 am |
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Steve Adkins wrote: Seems like you held all that in.......like holding your breath underwater..........and just had to "expunge".
GOOD WORD STEVE!!!! Can I use that????
Crackah and Steve's word of the day:
expunge ex·punge (ik spunj')
- To erase or strike out
- To eliminate completely; annihilate.
Crackah's example sentence (you already saw Steve's):
Lacka was careful to expunge any false notions that them yankees might have of us suthanuhs.
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Cracker Jax
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Posted: Aug 19th, 2006 02:16 am |
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Steve Adkins wrote: I am a Yankee married to a Tennessee girl. The first time she told me I "rurn't" a shirt, I wasn't sure if I should be proud, or duck.
Still can't handle grits......like eating sand.
Love that! rurn't! See! This stuff is so natural to us we don't even recognize it when we have good stuff comin' out of our mouths!
Steve, If your grits taste like sand, cook 'em longer! YUMMY!!!
I see that Blessings eats grits with butter, salt and pepper. I like them with butter and sugar myself. (no splenda either  !) There really is no right and wrong way to eat grits in the south (as long as you're eatin' 'em!), cause the polls I've taken (salt vs. sugar) come out about 50/50.
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Cracker Jax
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Posted: Aug 19th, 2006 02:21 am |
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ok... tired of talkin' to myself but I think I'm sufficiently caught up for a while. Pappy... that "down the Dwayne" comment over on that Q & C Forum QUACKED ME UP!!!!!!
I reckon I'll go surfin' to see if I can learn new stuff to share tomorrow.
BTW..... CONGRATS TO MY HERO PAPPY ON 1400 POSTS!!!!
YEE HAW!!!!
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FatPappy
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Posted: Aug 19th, 2006 03:00 am |
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| Hee hee! Much obliged, Crackah! Pappy's gotta go get my beauty sleep. Bon soir, you all!
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How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four; calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
--Abraham Lincoln
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macca
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Posted: Aug 19th, 2006 03:18 am |
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WOO-HOO, PAPPY! ♥♥♥
I was so busy enjoying your post
that I didn't even catch that you had hit a milestone!!!!
1400!!
CONGRATULATIONS!!!! ♥♥♥
I THINK IT'S TIME TO CELEBRATE IN A WAY
WORTHY OF THE OCCASION.....
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A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. Herm Albright
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